Pieces of Me.

The dark clouds move in. The cold gray of the night never seems to want to go away. The numbness is beginning to take over once more. Fears of the unknown. Living this, what you call life. You live to die. That is true but why put yourself through so much pain while you’re living. Why not live your life happy and free. Why do you have to live a life full of pain only to die in the end anyway. Most deaths are violent and painful, just like the life that you’ve lived. Since our lives are filled with such pain why can’t our deaths be peaceful and serene?

My life is as it is I guess. It’s a never ending cycle of disappointment and pain for not only me but for the ones around me as well. I must say that I’m sorry for making their lives miserable right along with mine. My death will be one of my choosing I hope. I don’t want to feel the emptiness and numbness any longer. I just want to be free of all of this. My life is so messed up. I wish I knew what to do but I don’t anymore.

To all of the ones that I love most. I love you more than you can possibly know. I’m sorry for everything and I wish that I knew how to make things up to you but I don’t. I’m sorry for everything.

I love you all so much.

Well my husband finally decided to call me 7 days after he left. He said that he was in an area with no internet or cell service. He also said that their phones would only call that particular city. I question that simply because after he left that particular place he goes to a small fishing village and is able to get to a phone that could call me. I don’t quite understand what happened.

When he called finally, I was calm. I didn’t have a fit. It shocked him. He thought that I was going to freak out on him. I thought it best to just let it blow over. Now things are a bit better. He’s gotten to where he calls me more often but still he has days where he finds it unnecessary to call me at all. That’s frustrating. I’ve only said something to him about it once.

I figure that if this relationship is going to work, the effort is going to have to come from his side. He’s the one who shows the least interest in the relationship working. So I sit and wait like usual. But I know me… I’ll get tired of waiting and I’ll find something more to occupy my time.  I am doing my best to give him the benefit of the doubt but sometimes it’s hard.

I love him more than anything in this world. I’ve shown him that I think. He doesn’t doubt my love for him at all. Now him, he’s made me question things since I’ve gotten back here to the US. He did some things that I would, (at the time I was in Venezuela) never have expected him of doing. The things that he did were like slaps in the face. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do.

He still says that he loves me no matter what. He says that things are still the same. But I can tell in his demeanor that things aren’t the same at all. The way he talks to me. The way he’s doing things. It’s all changed since this time last year or even a month ago.

I’ll sit and wait to see how things play out. There is nothing more that I can do really. I just hope that it works out the way I’m expecting it to. But everyone knows to never expect anything from a man. So I’m setting myself up for a fall. Sad thing is that I know that.

Well that’s the update so far. He’s calling again but his manor of speaking to me, his lack of calling and so many other things are changing. Wish me luck.

If you’ve been keeping up with my blogs you know that I’ve not heard from my husband in days. I can’t reach him and I’m at a complete loss. Well it’s been 5 days now. I’ve still not heard a word from anyone regarding my husbands whereabouts or anything else.

I’ve still been trying to reach his cell phone and his brothers. They still go to voice mail. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll hear from him at all… I’m scared… I don’t like this feeling. I don’t know what he’s going to say when he finally does decide to call.

He’s younger than me. I have kids, he doesn’t. He lives in a different country but I’m trying my very best to get him here to be with us. I’m beginning to wonder if he’s finally, after a year and a half, figured out what he’s gotten himself into and he’s wanting to back out. I know that it can be scary to go from one place to the next. I left here to go to Venezuela for 6 months. I can’t speak Spanish so I was unable to work or do much of anything without him by my side. I couldn’t just travel the city because I couldn’t communicate with the people. Then there is the whole Chavez hating American’s thing. So that made me going out alone almost an impossibility.

We were together everyday from the time I arrived until the time I left. We were only responsible for one another. I got used to talking to him and seeing him on a daily basis. Now we’re separated again. For several more months unless I decide to go back.

I think the ball is in his court now. I don’t know WHAT to do at all. I don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling. All I know is that his family is telling him that I demand too much of his time and I’m controlling. Which I admit, I am to an extent. But from the things he’s done over the entirety of our relationship, I have every right to be suspicious. They don’t see that though. He only tells them what he wants them to hear. They are only getting HIS side of the story.

His parents are very religious. I’m not sure that they would promote a divorce with him and I. I think they’d want us to work things out. But his brothers. His OLDER brothers are the ones with the most influence. They are the ones who tell him that I’m controlling. If they had any idea of the things that he and I have gone through in the past year and a half then maybe they would see my point of view. I don’t think that he’ll tell them. And I certainly can not. I hardly talk to any of them. I’d talk to his mother with no problem but her english is limited and so she needs my husband to stand and translate to her, that leaves me in a tough spot because I can’t tell her what is really going on.

I’m hoping that this trip that he went on is helping him to decide what it is that he actually wants out of our relationship. He’s very closed to me. I’m not sure if he’d tell me what he was honestly feeling. I tell him what I feel and how I think. We disagree a lot because we see things differently. Of course we would, we were raised totally different. I really just hope that once he decides to contact me again that it isn’t for the last time. I want my relationship to work. I want my marriage to work. I want him…. That’s the finality of it. I want him.

I guess in closing all I have to say is that I honestly and truly love my husband and I hope that after this break that he still feels the same way….

I’ve been trying to call him since Friday night. Still nothing. He said that he was going out of town with his family. What makes me want to think otherwise? Maybe because we’ve been arguing for almost a week straight. I have no idea.

What I don’t quite understand is that he hasn’t called. He didn’t call to let me know that he had arrived okay. He hasn’t called at all. When I call his cell phone it says something in Spanish that I can’t understand. I’m assuming that it’s giving that whole “user unavailable” spill.

I’m just so frustrated and hurt. He told me he’d call so that we could talk. I don’t know what to do. I can’t reach him. It’s driving me crazy.

Well now that I feel a bit better maybe I’ll write more.

I’m sitting here at home. Have been all day, waiting on my husband to call. I still haven’t heard anything from him. For some reason I have a feeling that I won’t. I’m truly at a loss as to what to do in this situation. I mean, I sit and wait for him… why??? Why do I do that??? I’m either pathetic or needy. I don’t know which at this point.

How can I sit and want something so bad, KNOWING that he doesn’t want the same thing? I wait for his call. I wait for his email, I wait for him to message me. All for nothing. He’s not going to do any of it.

I really don’t know why I blog here. No one ever leaves comments and right now I could use a bit of advice. I need to know how to handle this situation with me and my husband. What I should do next. What’s the next step? I can’t give him an ultimatum… that’s bad. I can’t even get in touch with him right now because his cell phone is, conveniently, not working. I called his brother’s phone earlier and it rang. They’re together. Then when I calld back, guess what, it was turned off…

All of this makes me feel as though he’s avoiding me. I told him last night that I wanted him to call me when he arrived at his detonation so that I knew he had gotten there safely. I didn’t get a call. I also told him that we needed to talk about some important things. No call. How am I supposed to react to all of this.

I left on December 2nd. That very night he calls another woman. The bad things is that I was talking to him and was very upset, crying and what not, and he says that he has to go because people were going to bed. We spoke for 22 minutes. He THEN goes down stairs and calls this other woman and talks to her for another hour and a half. He says that she was just a friend and he was calling to see what she’d been up to over the past few months. Me, being his wife, crying needing him, and he hangs up to talk to her. Then later on this month I find out that he was opening another chat account so that he could talk to the girl he was dating before me. He was in love with her. She dumped him for another guy. Needless to say, I was livid.

Now, after all of that he’s now running off to god only knows where to do what ever it is that he’s wanting and I can’t get in touch with him. But he’ll call eventually and tell me some BS story about why he hadn’t called and what he’s been doing and he’ll expect me to believe it. Even worse is that this has happened before and I forgave him for it.

Am I a complete idiot when it comes to this guy? I’m beginning to think so. I lose all of my senses, all of my inhibitions, everything. It’s horrifying to know that he has this much control over who I am and what I want. I should just fly out there when he’s not expecting it and surprise him. Just to see what’s going on. I will have to work on that….

Well I think that’s it. TTYL

Ok so I’m about half lit and so I decided to make a post.

Not only am I half lit, but I’m also pissed off. I have been with my “husband” (and I use that term lightly) for about a year and 3 months. Well, we are separated by MILES right now. I’m in the United States and he’s in Venezuela. I’m here currently trying to get him his visa so that he can come and live here with me. Anyways, enough background.

New Years. I asked him to call me so that we could “be together” on new year. Since this is our first married new year. Oh yeah, did I mention we got married December 1, 2007???? So like I said, FIRST new year as a married couple. Well anyway, I asked him not to go to this particular city where this insane girl resides. She sends him text messages telling him that she loves him and all kinds of things. He promised he wouldn’t. Guess what! He went! And he expects me not to be livid. Not only did he go, I haven’t heard from him since he arrived there. What the heck am I supposed to think? He says, “baby I’m with my family, they won’t let anything happen.”

His family thinks I’m controlling and take up too much of his time. So maybe in some way they want him to screw up so that we aren’t together anymore. His brothers can’t stand me. Simply because I ask certain things of my “husband” (again used lightly).

So anyway, what am I supposed to think? I sent him an email. I told him that if he doesn’t want the relationship then he should just annul the marriage. I mean NOW. Not later. I need to be able to rebuild my life here. I was with him in Venezuela for almost 6 months and so I really have nothing here in the US because I chose to stay with him. I need to be able to rebuild and need to know whether I should include him in my plans or not. But he can never be honest with me. It really pisses me off.

I am soooo ready to just call everything off. I can’t stand being lied to. I hate when people break their promises and he seems to do it on a regular basis. You’d think, him being my “husband” (lightly) that he’d want me to be happy and feel comfortable in our relationship being right now it is long distance. But NOOOO. He only thinks about what he wants. Not what’s best for the relationship. It really pisses me off.

ZOMG seriously. If you guys have any suggestions as to what to do please let me know! Thanks for reading