Archive for January, 2007

Lovers and Friends

{ January 17, 2007 @ 3:34 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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woman 

Women, especially mother’s, are very protective of the ones they love. If we feel that something we know is going to hurt someone close to us then we tend not to tell the person it may hurt. Then we have to deal with the “keeping secrets” accusations that are flung at us. If you think about it, don’t we all have secrets that we don’t want told?

I am really bad about not wanting to voice certain things. If I find something to be unimportant then I usually don’t want to share it. But there are days where I should probably say what’s going on because it’s something that could affect other people around me. Because of my fears of hurting people that I love I will not say anything and that causes more stress. The person I don’t want to tell starts getting mad. That, in turn, causes arguments.

Honesty is always good. Honesty is something that should be in every relationship. There are times though, when things shouldn’t be spoken. Bending the truth just a bit to save an argument or protect your relationship. Everyone does it yet those who are caught at it are ridiculed and called liars. I, personally, am not going to put myself in a position to harm the ones I love in any way. I am not going to tell my significant other who I was talking to or what I was doing, if there really is no need to. As long as I wasn’t doing something like cheating why should it matter?

Current lovers and ex’s do not mix. You can’t tell your current lover that you were with your ex for lunch or that you were talking to him. That starts an argument that can’t be won. You should keep certain aspects of your life to yourself. There are even times when (if you have a guy friend) you can’t share the conversation you’re having (with the guy friend) with your current lover because the current lover wouldn’t understand. Friends are friends. Lovers are lovers. It’s really hard to mix the two. I can be friends with my lover but not lovers with my friend. Haha, how weird is that?

So, in closing, if you find out that your lover was keeping something from you, don’t automatically assume it’s out of guilt. Ask questions to see if maybe it was her trying to protect you. Even if it was something that WOULDN’T have hurt you, maybe she felt like it would.

My Love

{ January 15, 2007 @ 9:56 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Love.

There are times in everyone’s life where they feel like they are in love.

What exactly defines love for people? To me it’s a feeling. The feeling of needing that person so much that it hurts when you’re apart. The feeling that when you can’t speak to him all of the time or you’re separated by distance, is intolerable. The emptiness felt when an argument between the two of you causes a lack of contact, emotionally or physically.

So, how can you fall in love with someone that you’ve never seen or touched? How you can need to talk to this person daily. Need to hear him, message him, what ever small thing it takes to keep him there with you. How do you fall in love with something that is only real by mere voice alone?

I’ve managed to do that, not one, but three times. The first one ended up in a marriage. The second a disaster and the third is very complicated. Because the second relationship ended so badly it has left me scarred emotionally. I protect myself from things that I think may hurt me. I worry constantly if this next relationship will end so badly. My own fears seem to destroy it. His fears as well put a strain on things.

The second relationship I had was so intense. So intoxicating for me. He left me feeling wanted and beautiful. Then, all of a sudden, it all crashed down on me. I was left feeling empty and void of any emotion whatsoever. It scares me to think that I could put myself in the same situation again.

Because of this new relationship, I’ve started feeling those old things again. The need and want to be with him all of the time. There is a fear of losing what we DO have. Even though we can’t be together physically, the emotional attraction is very strong. He says he’s coming to get me.. But who’s to say that is going to really happen? No one. We have so many HUGE obstacles in the way just on a regular basis. And then things are even more complicated by the fact that I still care for my ex.

My ex has no feelings for me other than a strong sense of hatred. I can’t change what happened between he and I, and to be honest, I don’t want to now. All I want is Mig. But the fears that he has are so strong. They interfere quite a bit. His worry that I want the other guy still. I do admit to him constantly that I still care for Tony. Why should I lie about that? Mig has known from the start, before he wanted a relationship with me, that I was still sort of hung up on Tony. He was fine with it and said that he’d give me all of the time I need.

When Mig drinks his true feelings about things come out. He tells me that he’s jealous and that he wants all of my attention. I try my best to give him what he needs. But my best isn’t good enough.

If anyone has any suggestions as to what I should do, please fill me in.

Family Ties

{ January 15, 2007 @ 3:04 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Mother and child.

A few months ago I was in a dangerous relationship. One where the man was more important than the children that I gave birth to. The man that I wanted to be with was younger than me. He was so very important that I saw nothing but him. I’d stopped caring about everything else. I only cared about his happiness.

I know now that it was a mistake. I’ve lost so much over the course of the past few months. My children are no longer with me. My home belongs to someone else. I don’t have him anymore. I’ve lost so much. I gave up so much. Sacrificed my children’s happiness for my own. At the time I didn’t think that it was wrong. All I saw was him. Everything that I wanted was in him.

In the past few months I’ve managed to estrange my family because they disagreed with my decisions. When I lost him I couldn’t function. I was hopeless. I didn’t know what to do so I chose to leave my children behind to make things right. To get myself together. All I’ve managed to do is make things worse.

Because the children are from two different marriages, I had to seperated them. The girls live with their father and the boy with his. So now they are growing apart. Instead of Mom being there to make things right all she’s done is cause all of their problems. I wish I knew how to make things better but I’m not in a position financially or emotionally to be able to give them the care that they need and deserve. So, what can I possibly do to change the way things are? I am working toward making them better but it’s a slow progression and it’s just making other people more angry.

I thought that getting myself straight so that I can make my children happy again was what was best but apparently I’m supposed to keep them with me and make them even more miserable. I’m really a bad mother it seems. I’ve done so many things wrong…

Evil Spirits

{ January 13, 2007 @ 5:01 am } · { Life }
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Garden of Decay

One thing that I have a very hard time dealing with is alcoholism. My father (whom I hardly know) is an alcoholic. I’ve never been able to deal with his drinking. When he is drinking he seems to think that everyone is out to get him and he’s very depressed about things he has no control over. He used to call me when he was drinking and blame me for the fact that he chose not to have anything to do with my brother and I once he remarried. I was only 3 when he left. I don’t think that I did anything wrong at all being I was too young to know any better. Now that I’m an adult I choose not to have anything to do with him because of his lack of interest in me as a child.

Then you have people like my step father who should stay away from alcohol because he’s mean and vicious.  My brother was a hateful drunk. He’d lash out at everyone in his path and then start acting like our father stating that everyone was out to get him and that he was sorry for so many things. I guess there are many different kinds of drunks.

My boyfriend and I tonight were having a wonderful time. He had been drinking and I knew it but he kept on drinking and drinking and drinking until he’d gotten to the state of irrationality. I refuse to talk to him when he is like that. I don’t know how to deal with his drinking and so I shut him out. I know that’s probably bad but what can I do? My boyfriend is very jealous when he drinks. My boyfriend’s room mate was there with him and he decided he was going to try and talk to me. We sat and talked. I got hot and removed my jacket… My boyfriend says, “Oh now you’re stripping for him.” I knew right then it was going to be a bad night.

You see when my boyfriend drinks he makes no sense when he talks. He talks in circles and about things that I don’t even know. It’s like he can’t keep a train of thought so he just rushes through them all and expects me to keep up. I can’t. Then he gets frustrated because I don’t know how to answer a certain question or I can’t understand his meaning. Then we argue.

I’ve asked him to stop drinking and he’s promised me time and again that he would. I will admit that he’s cut down greatly but when he does drink it’s a large amount and causes him to become irrational, as I’ve said. He doesn’t seem to think that he has a problem. That right there tells me that he won’t stop drinking because he doesn’t realize that there is actually a problem there. I really hope that one day he will see just how much his drinking hurts me. If his love is strong enough then he will stop…. for me. 

Frustrations.

{ January 12, 2007 @ 9:11 pm } · { Life }
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Battered Heart.

There are days where I feel emotionally drained. Like everything that I’ve done so far in my life has been a compete disaster. So many things going wrong, nothing ever seems right. And the one person that makes me feel needed, wanted, desired isn’t here with me.

My boyfriend… things are so hard. He is so far away and I need him so much yet can not have him. The frustration of wanting him here with me and knowing that it’s still going to be quite some time before that happens. I wish I knew what to do. How to change that he isn’t with me. My love for him only grows stronger with the passing days, yet missing him makes things difficult on both ends.

We have gotten to where we argue so much. I feel, at times, that this relationship is going nowhere but WANTING so badly for it to work. I want him, I NEED him here with me. We fight because we are apart and can’t have a normal relationship. He can’t see what I do and I can’t see what he does. We have to trust one another but because of issues (lies) that were brought to light a while back, our trust dwindles for one another from time to time.

The only thing we have that holds us together is the phone. We talk every day. Fall asleep listening to each other breathe. At first that was enough. Now hearing him breathe isn’t enough, I want more. I want to hear his heart beating, feel his breath on my face, feel his skin touching mine, but I can’t. I need to feel him, hold him, love him.

He’s working toward making it here to be with me. There is no guarantee that he can do that and that is my greatest fear. Losing him because of circumstances that neither he or I could control. I can’t imagine my life with out him in it. I don’t WANT to imagine. I spend everyday hoping for a miracle. Hoping that he will just show up out of the blue one day and make all of my problems disappear for a while. I know that won’t happen though and so it turns me a bit cold inside.

Maybe one day this punishment that I seem to be going through will stop and he and I can be together, always…

Tiny pieces of me.

{ January 12, 2007 @ 3:51 am } · { Life, Uncategorized }
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Souless

A wonderful day turned to disaster. There are many people who have disfunctional families. I believe that my family could, quite possibly, be the MOST disfunctional family in the world.

I am one of five children. My Mother was a stay at home Mother/Wife all of my life and still is. She raised us on the “wrong side of the tracks” and did a wonderful job. BUT because my Mother knows nothing more to her life than her children, she is still a constant dictator in our lives. We are all adults yet she feels as though she can still control every aspect of our lives.

It just so happens that I’m the black sheep in the family. I love them, don’t ge tme wrong. But the simple fact is that it’s very hard for me to get along with any of them simply because I refuse to be a drone in the family of Mom. I do as I wish, say what I want and they hate that about me. My older brother and I don’t get along at all. We don’t even talk to one another. If anything is said between the two of us, it’s usually the beginnings of a huge argument.

Now to the point of this blog. Yesterday when I got home from work, my baby sister was there. You know how sometimes when you’ve worked all day, you’re a bit bitey? Well that’s what was with me. Her son had just gotten off of my computer and I sat down to check email and what not, and the boy tells me to get up and that I have to share. Being I was tired and bitey, I told him no, it was my computer and he’d just gotten up. My sister took offense. She went boo hooing to my mother. My mother then preceeds to come and tell me what I was doing wrong and that I “shouldn’t act that way”.

Anyway, me being upset I tend to lash out and told my sister that she really didn’t know me at all to assume that I was being rude and mean to her son. Bitey yes, but who doesn’t have bad days. The argument progressed, I got in her face yelling, and she took a swing at me, several times. She grabbed her son and left. Calls my mother on the way home and tries to say that she didn’t know what happened, that she just snapped and that she didn’t mean to hit me. She’s my baby sister, there is no way I could hit her. I took what she gave me and did nothing.

I was very upset by the whole episode. When I’m upset I shut everyone out and don’t want anyone near me or talking to me. My mother tried to smooth things over saying that, regardless of what I may think, she loves me and hurts when I hurt. I KNOW my mom loves me, but she doesn’t like me very much so I push her away.

Because of the disfunctional nature of my family, I shut them all out. There isn’t one person in my family that I’m close to. It’s really rather sad that I feel as though I can’t share how I feel or what I think about certain things with them. That I have to close myself off and be in my own little area of the family. It’s always been this way and I don’t know what I can do to change it.