Loving someone is torturing yourself to the point of being numb. Of wanting to be with that person so badly that you turn things off so that he can’t hurt you anymore. Wanting your life to be ok, as long as you’re with him. No matter the pain or hurt you put yourself through to keep him. I love him, need him even if he rejects me. I will have that small window of time that I’d spent with him. Letting myself actually feel something for a change. Coming out of my shell only to be shoved back in once he realizes I’m not what he wants. But I’ll shine for that little while. Bask in the glow of him temporarily. Then… BAM he hits me again. Slams me emotionally with his lack of care for certain aspects of me! What am I to do? It seems to repeat it’s self. Over and over. What can I do. I stay simply because I love him.
Archive for February, 2007
Needing Him.
I need him like the sun needs the sky, like the flowers need rain, yet I find myself in a position of needing to let him go. I can not be what he imagines I am. I can not be the person he wants. I can not live my life worrying if I am good enough or if I can make him happy.
There have been times where I’ve felt like giving up on the whole idea of someone loving me for who I am. He has told me that he does love me the way I am, for who I am. In all honesty though, he really has no idea. He will not know until he is here. Why waste all of that time and effort to come to me and be disappointed? I don’t know. It’s very selfish of me to ask him to do that.
I want to be selfish though. To see him, touch him, smell him. Oh my god I want all of that so badly. If even for a moment. The smallest increment in time to spend with the man I am in love with. Then I worry… worry that he will leave and I will be devastated, crushed, broken.
I am torn. I don’t know what to do. Take the chance that what he says is true, that he accepts me for what and who I am, or make him stay away. Let him find that perfect person he is hoping I am.
