Archive for December, 2007

Again I sit here.

{ December 31, 2007 @ 7:41 pm } · { Life }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

I’ve been trying to call him since Friday night. Still nothing. He said that he was going out of town with his family. What makes me want to think otherwise? Maybe because we’ve been arguing for almost a week straight. I have no idea.

What I don’t quite understand is that he hasn’t called. He didn’t call to let me know that he had arrived okay. He hasn’t called at all. When I call his cell phone it says something in Spanish that I can’t understand. I’m assuming that it’s giving that whole “user unavailable” spill.

I’m just so frustrated and hurt. He told me he’d call so that we could talk. I don’t know what to do. I can’t reach him. It’s driving me crazy.

Meh…

{ December 30, 2007 @ 11:51 pm } · { Life }
{ } · { Comments (6) }

Well now that I feel a bit better maybe I’ll write more.

I’m sitting here at home. Have been all day, waiting on my husband to call. I still haven’t heard anything from him. For some reason I have a feeling that I won’t. I’m truly at a loss as to what to do in this situation. I mean, I sit and wait for him… why??? Why do I do that??? I’m either pathetic or needy. I don’t know which at this point.

How can I sit and want something so bad, KNOWING that he doesn’t want the same thing? I wait for his call. I wait for his email, I wait for him to message me. All for nothing. He’s not going to do any of it.

I really don’t know why I blog here. No one ever leaves comments and right now I could use a bit of advice. I need to know how to handle this situation with me and my husband. What I should do next. What’s the next step? I can’t give him an ultimatum… that’s bad. I can’t even get in touch with him right now because his cell phone is, conveniently, not working. I called his brother’s phone earlier and it rang. They’re together. Then when I calld back, guess what, it was turned off…

All of this makes me feel as though he’s avoiding me. I told him last night that I wanted him to call me when he arrived at his detonation so that I knew he had gotten there safely. I didn’t get a call. I also told him that we needed to talk about some important things. No call. How am I supposed to react to all of this.

I left on December 2nd. That very night he calls another woman. The bad things is that I was talking to him and was very upset, crying and what not, and he says that he has to go because people were going to bed. We spoke for 22 minutes. He THEN goes down stairs and calls this other woman and talks to her for another hour and a half. He says that she was just a friend and he was calling to see what she’d been up to over the past few months. Me, being his wife, crying needing him, and he hangs up to talk to her. Then later on this month I find out that he was opening another chat account so that he could talk to the girl he was dating before me. He was in love with her. She dumped him for another guy. Needless to say, I was livid.

Now, after all of that he’s now running off to god only knows where to do what ever it is that he’s wanting and I can’t get in touch with him. But he’ll call eventually and tell me some BS story about why he hadn’t called and what he’s been doing and he’ll expect me to believe it. Even worse is that this has happened before and I forgave him for it.

Am I a complete idiot when it comes to this guy? I’m beginning to think so. I lose all of my senses, all of my inhibitions, everything. It’s horrifying to know that he has this much control over who I am and what I want. I should just fly out there when he’s not expecting it and surprise him. Just to see what’s going on. I will have to work on that….

Well I think that’s it. TTYL

Drunk ramblings

{ December 30, 2007 @ 8:59 pm } · { Life }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

Ok so I’m about half lit and so I decided to make a post.

Not only am I half lit, but I’m also pissed off. I have been with my “husband” (and I use that term lightly) for about a year and 3 months. Well, we are separated by MILES right now. I’m in the United States and he’s in Venezuela. I’m here currently trying to get him his visa so that he can come and live here with me. Anyways, enough background.

New Years. I asked him to call me so that we could “be together” on new year. Since this is our first married new year. Oh yeah, did I mention we got married December 1, 2007???? So like I said, FIRST new year as a married couple. Well anyway, I asked him not to go to this particular city where this insane girl resides. She sends him text messages telling him that she loves him and all kinds of things. He promised he wouldn’t. Guess what! He went! And he expects me not to be livid. Not only did he go, I haven’t heard from him since he arrived there. What the heck am I supposed to think? He says, “baby I’m with my family, they won’t let anything happen.”

His family thinks I’m controlling and take up too much of his time. So maybe in some way they want him to screw up so that we aren’t together anymore. His brothers can’t stand me. Simply because I ask certain things of my “husband” (again used lightly).

So anyway, what am I supposed to think? I sent him an email. I told him that if he doesn’t want the relationship then he should just annul the marriage. I mean NOW. Not later. I need to be able to rebuild my life here. I was with him in Venezuela for almost 6 months and so I really have nothing here in the US because I chose to stay with him. I need to be able to rebuild and need to know whether I should include him in my plans or not. But he can never be honest with me. It really pisses me off.

I am soooo ready to just call everything off. I can’t stand being lied to. I hate when people break their promises and he seems to do it on a regular basis. You’d think, him being my “husband” (lightly) that he’d want me to be happy and feel comfortable in our relationship being right now it is long distance. But NOOOO. He only thinks about what he wants. Not what’s best for the relationship. It really pisses me off.

ZOMG seriously. If you guys have any suggestions as to what to do please let me know! Thanks for reading :D

Emptiness, hurt, pain, abandonment, used, broked, torn, hopeless…

{ December 20, 2007 @ 3:11 am } · { Uncategorized }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

When you have these feelings, what are you to do? No family to lean on because you gave them all up for the person that is making you feel this way. No one to talk to because the only person who would listen caused all of the pain.

Knowing you shouldn’t have left. Needing him so much that you feel sick. Yet he doesn’t feel the same way. Falling to pieces because you KNOW he doesn’t need you the way you need him.

Trying to fill a void that wasn’t there yesterday. All of this came on so suddenly that you’re left breathless from the reality of the situation.

Wanting to reach out to him but afraid it will all happen again. Not knowing if you can trust the one person in the world that you love more than anything.

Interfering. That’s what my  love for him was classified as. As well as annoying.

Letting him have something so fragile as your heart. Him promising to never let it feel the pain of betrayal again. Saying that he would cherish it always. Such pretty words to a broken heart. Beginning to mend because of his promises only to have him break it again.

How many times can a broken heart mend? You know that it’s never the same after it’s broken but the scar doesn’t hurt like the wound did. But this time it’s different.  It’s growing cold again. Placing the walls again. The walls that he was so determined to break down. Now he is the builder rather than the demolisher.

Should I trust him again? Or just slowly pull away. Should I still love him or let the coldness take over?

The cold feels so comforting right now. The numbness. It just wants to engulf my heart and protect it from further injury.

Then there is the fear. The fear of being without him but not knowing if he wants to be with you. Fear that you’ll give in to his promises again and have him shatter your heart completely.

Love is so complicated and dangerous. We live our lives looking for that one person that will not hurt you, only very few people find it. You put yourself through so much only to die in the end. But to those who’ve been hurt over and over again, death is almost comforting. Because when your heart dies repeatedly you just want the pain to STOP.

Alone

{ December 19, 2007 @ 5:28 pm } · { Uncategorized }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

Today is overcast and cold. Just like my heart. I sit and wonder if the past year has been real. I wonder if, what I’d hoped to be true love, is even real at all. I stare across the field of emptiness and almost feel comforted.

He lied to me. Over and over again. He lied to me. I don’t know what to say, feel or do. I feel so completely alone. I feel betrayed.

I left after six months with him. There was no reaction from him even though he knew we wouldn’t see one another again for several months. Still no reaction. Then he calls and takes comfort from another woman. Searches for old girlfriends. Lies to me about it. Tells the old girlfriend that I interfere and that I’m annoying.

I’m his wife. He asks me not to talk to my ex’s. I respect his wish. He promises he won’t talk to his and this is what he does.

I feel as though my world has been ripped apart. As though my love meant nothing to him. As though talking to them was more important than what he and I had built.

I’m scared. Scared that I’m going to lose him. Not because of what he did but because of this huge void that he’s managed to place in my chest. The gapping whole. I’m filled with doubts, distrust and fear. I see no end to it.

I love him so. Gave up so much so that we could be together, only to find out about this. He’s always said that he has nothing to hide. That is untrue. He said that I was the only one, that was untrue. I feel so used and abused.

I trusted him with my broken heart. He said that he’d always protect it and cherish it. So I let him mend it. Now he throws it back in my face as if it’s worth nothing.

I mourn the loss of the feelings that I had. Stability, trust, love, honesty. I miss those feelings. They’ve been replaced by more haunting feelings that I can hardly explain. All for another woman, he does this.

How do I move on from here? How, or will things get back to normal. Can I forgive him for betraying me. For lying. For seeking comfort elsewhere? I don’t know.

I feel so empty.