Well now that I feel a bit better maybe I’ll write more.
I’m sitting here at home. Have been all day, waiting on my husband to call. I still haven’t heard anything from him. For some reason I have a feeling that I won’t. I’m truly at a loss as to what to do in this situation. I mean, I sit and wait for him… why??? Why do I do that??? I’m either pathetic or needy. I don’t know which at this point.
How can I sit and want something so bad, KNOWING that he doesn’t want the same thing? I wait for his call. I wait for his email, I wait for him to message me. All for nothing. He’s not going to do any of it.
I really don’t know why I blog here. No one ever leaves comments and right now I could use a bit of advice. I need to know how to handle this situation with me and my husband. What I should do next. What’s the next step? I can’t give him an ultimatum… that’s bad. I can’t even get in touch with him right now because his cell phone is, conveniently, not working. I called his brother’s phone earlier and it rang. They’re together. Then when I calld back, guess what, it was turned off…
All of this makes me feel as though he’s avoiding me. I told him last night that I wanted him to call me when he arrived at his detonation so that I knew he had gotten there safely. I didn’t get a call. I also told him that we needed to talk about some important things. No call. How am I supposed to react to all of this.
I left on December 2nd. That very night he calls another woman. The bad things is that I was talking to him and was very upset, crying and what not, and he says that he has to go because people were going to bed. We spoke for 22 minutes. He THEN goes down stairs and calls this other woman and talks to her for another hour and a half. He says that she was just a friend and he was calling to see what she’d been up to over the past few months. Me, being his wife, crying needing him, and he hangs up to talk to her. Then later on this month I find out that he was opening another chat account so that he could talk to the girl he was dating before me. He was in love with her. She dumped him for another guy. Needless to say, I was livid.
Now, after all of that he’s now running off to god only knows where to do what ever it is that he’s wanting and I can’t get in touch with him. But he’ll call eventually and tell me some BS story about why he hadn’t called and what he’s been doing and he’ll expect me to believe it. Even worse is that this has happened before and I forgave him for it.
Am I a complete idiot when it comes to this guy? I’m beginning to think so. I lose all of my senses, all of my inhibitions, everything. It’s horrifying to know that he has this much control over who I am and what I want. I should just fly out there when he’s not expecting it and surprise him. Just to see what’s going on. I will have to work on that….
Well I think that’s it. TTYL
Big Sister Said:
on December 31, 2007 at 12:26 am
I so know how you feel. My best advice is to please put your head in the right place – which is away from obsessing about this man who is clearly showing you that you need to establish a life independent of him, no matter what you decide about the marriage. Please read Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s book – 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives. Or any book – books are your best friends when breaking up with someone. I liked 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey. I know it’s difficult not to want to change someone or to guide your own decisions based on what another person is doing or deciding. But, you must know that when you cannot function well, or if you have to ask twice what a person wants in terms of their feelings for you or if they want to be with you, I think you already have the answer… like it or hate it. My experience is that the only way to have a truly healthy relationship is to learn to care ONLY about yourself and to lose all fear of what would happen if you were without that person. Once you build your OWN life and consistently establish your OWN strong sense of self, life will dramatically change. This statement you make: It’s horrifying to know that he has this much control over who I am and what I want… is incredibly accurate. Please release your need to control this man and define yourself based on what he does, thinks, says, and walk away until you feel that you are sure about what he wants by leaving him alone for awhile until you find peace with you. I’m a divorce attorney, so I see marriages breaking up all the time, and I’ve been divorced twice myself. So, I have experience with all you’re experiencing. I really believe a strong, confident, un-needy stance is best for women – and people – generally. He’s just a guy. Please find yourself – release your need to control – ask God for confidence and inner-strength – find a great job and stick with it – and then maybe you’ll find the right guy for you. Until then, close your eyes and push through this crap and start taking care of yourself. One more thing… I have been listening to Wayne Dyer on Living With Intention – and doing his meditations. I feel stupid doing the meditations, but it is really helping with my search for getting in touch the way Dyer is suggesting. Good luck, girl.
Souless Said:
on December 31, 2007 at 12:33 am
Thank you Big Sister. I really do think that this is going to end badly. He doesn’t seem at all interested in actually carrying on a relationship or a marriage. I’ve tried so hard to look past all of his mistakes. It’s just getting to where they’re so constant now. I truly hope that things work out for the best. I’ve been divorced twice myself and this is my third marriage. Maybe I jumped in too soon. Maybe I chose wrongly. Maybe he said all of the things I needed to hear. I really don’t know anymore. It’s so confusing. He says that he loves and needs me. I will post a bit of an email he wrote me yesterday….
“Baby, there is no questioning if I love you or not, I know I love you with all of my heart and I stayed wondering last night before I passed out of tiredness what it was that I wanted, and all I could get was, I want Stacy. I want to build my life with you I want to talk to you spend time with you love you like you deserve to be loved.”
As you can see, he says he loves me but his actions are what makes me question him. We’ve been together for a year and 3 months. We’ve been through so much and letting go is going to be so hard for me. I have no family because when I left the US to be with him in Venezuela, they all basically disowned me. He’s all that I have. So letting go is going to be very difficult. I just wish things weren’t this way…. My heart is breaking just thinking about it. Again, thank you for your comments and I shall look into those books.
Big Sister Said:
on December 31, 2007 at 12:55 am
He’s not all you have. YOU’RE all you have no matter what he decides – now and in the future. For now, just let go of him – don’t call him, email him, text him or question him if he does contact you – and continue to be kind and seemingly happy alone when you do talk to him. If you do this, he will feel a change in you, which may help things, and then the chances that you will stay with him increase. If you do break up, then who cares, because you have been learning to rely only on yourself.
Let him have the space he’s obviously needing right now. Love him unconditionally and treat him like a cat – waiting for him to come get loved and stick around. At some point, you’ll be forced to make a decision, and if he’s screwing up and cheating on you, you’ll find out. Continue to watch his actions. You likely don’t have to make any decisions right now, so finding peace within yourself while waiting for him to come around should be your job.
As for your family, if they gave up on you then they were not the family you need and deserve anyway. You can choose a new family by finding a support group, leaning on friends, going to church, etc. You’re not alone, no matter what this guy decides.
Good luck – have peace – take responsibility for what is happening in your life – and make the change you are seeking. Take care lil sis.
Souless Said:
on December 31, 2007 at 1:04 am
Yep, my family turned their backs on me. I was going through a rough time and decided to leave. I have hardly spoken to them since returning to the US. As far as support groups… I live in the smallest town in the world. I don’t think these people know what that is. Church is again, something I can’t do. Not in this city. Everyone knows everyone else and all of their business and so I don’t go simply because of that.
I may take your advice on the sitting and waiting as though he’s a cat. That may work. But it’s so FRUSTRATING waiting to see. I want to know now. I want to know if he wants to move forward with things. I’m getting his visa so he can be here. That’s a long, complicated process, one that is made more of a pain simply because the US is so hard on giving people visa’s now. Even legitimate people who are coming here to be with their families.
I’m just upset I think. I know that most of this is uncalled for. The fears still linger though. So I guess that eventually things will come to light. Maybe it’s a waiting game. Maybe it’s stupidity
Who really knows anymore.
Thanks so much for all of your advice. You seem like a wonderful person!
Big Sister Said:
on December 31, 2007 at 1:21 am
I guess you have answered your own questions then. You have two choices as I see it… wait and be patient and find peace until he decides what to do and/or treats you the way you deserve, or tell him to get lost and get his own visa since he obviously doesn’t want you badly enough to treat you respectfully, and then if he wants you once he gets back to the States, he knows where to find you. I know it’s trite to say, but if you’re supposed to be together, then you will – with either choice. Go see the movie Juno that recently came out. It’s about choosing the right person and being confident with who you are and what you want so that can happen.
And, I know I’m a good person, thank you for saying so… I’ve worked hard to get to this feeling/knowledge. You are, too, though. I had to spend enough time in solitude, studying and learning about inner peace and the release of fear to see it. You can do it if you want that peace badly enough.
I’m logging off for now. Get some exercise, get some sleep, read some productive books and forget about him for now.
I’ll check back on your blog periodically to find out how you’re doing.
Peace/Out
Souless Said:
on December 31, 2007 at 1:24 am
Well I hope you have a great night and I’m sure that I’ll blog here more often. I tend to write on and on when I’m upset or happy about things.
I’m going to wait it out for now. There’s not much left for me to do.
Thanks and I’ll keep ya posted.
NIGHT