Pieces of Me.

I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a monster, I kill everything.
I am a walking disaster, I destroy all that stand in my way. My life, my love, my children, my husband, my Mom, my whole family.
I don’t know when to stop. I’m slowly killing myself inside.
Can I ever be happy? I don’t think I can. I’m a monster, I kill everything.
I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
I don’t deserve anything that I have. I don’t deserve anything that I don’t have. I don’t deserve this life. I don’t deserve anything at all. I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
I always thought I was a good person. I’d always do what I could for everyone else.
I never knew that I’d end up destroying the people I love the most. I never knew that I’d worry myself to death so much and be so suspicious of the people I care about most.
I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
The man I love I can’t trust. Why? I know he’s hurt me but why can’t I let it go? Because he keeps doing it or because I want a reason to hurt him to? Do I sit and look for things just so I can feel pain. Am I incapable of feeling happiness? What is happiness? When I feel pain, atleast I’m feeling something. Something other than sadness and hurt. Will I ever forgive the people who’ve hurt me? Will I ever get over it or will I continue to be a monster?
I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
I hate what I am. Who I am and how I am. I hate everything about me.
I’m a monster. I kill everything.
My mom looks at me and says that I killed her. My daughter doesn’t acknowledge my exhistance. My husband looks for other women. My husband has lied to me from the very beginning because he said that he had to. I thought I was making him a better person and all I was doing was making him hate me. I gave up my family for a man that lied the whole time we’ve been together. For what? To hurt people. To hurt myself. I’m not good enough for any of them.
I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
I’m a monster.
Sometimes I wonder if I enjoy the pain. Sometimes I wonder if I can feel anything else.
I’m a monster, I kill everything, everyone I touch.

I’m a monster!!!!!!

I wonder how real it was.

By steve fluck
Published: 2/20/2008

Sitting in the dark… tears flowing down your cheeks,
and landing on the floor… which is where they belong…
holding your head in your hands, thinking of him…
all the memories rush back into your head…
the morning soon arrives, killing the silent night,
but the sky seems like a different blue,
no birds are singing… your heart is breaking…
there’s nothing left for you to do,
coldness creeps through your body,
and sucks out the remainders of your life,
you turn to the razor and place the blade upon your wrist,
you want to cut deep but you can’t, you’re too afraid,
so put the razor down, and just breathe,
everything will be alright, trust me,
smile again, and the sun will shine bright,
and you won’t feel lonely again tonight…

When you have these feelings, what are you to do? No family to lean on because you gave them all up for the person that is making you feel this way. No one to talk to because the only person who would listen caused all of the pain.

Knowing you shouldn’t have left. Needing him so much that you feel sick. Yet he doesn’t feel the same way. Falling to pieces because you KNOW he doesn’t need you the way you need him.

Trying to fill a void that wasn’t there yesterday. All of this came on so suddenly that you’re left breathless from the reality of the situation.

Wanting to reach out to him but afraid it will all happen again. Not knowing if you can trust the one person in the world that you love more than anything.

Interfering. That’s what my  love for him was classified as. As well as annoying.

Letting him have something so fragile as your heart. Him promising to never let it feel the pain of betrayal again. Saying that he would cherish it always. Such pretty words to a broken heart. Beginning to mend because of his promises only to have him break it again.

How many times can a broken heart mend? You know that it’s never the same after it’s broken but the scar doesn’t hurt like the wound did. But this time it’s different.  It’s growing cold again. Placing the walls again. The walls that he was so determined to break down. Now he is the builder rather than the demolisher.

Should I trust him again? Or just slowly pull away. Should I still love him or let the coldness take over?

The cold feels so comforting right now. The numbness. It just wants to engulf my heart and protect it from further injury.

Then there is the fear. The fear of being without him but not knowing if he wants to be with you. Fear that you’ll give in to his promises again and have him shatter your heart completely.

Love is so complicated and dangerous. We live our lives looking for that one person that will not hurt you, only very few people find it. You put yourself through so much only to die in the end. But to those who’ve been hurt over and over again, death is almost comforting. Because when your heart dies repeatedly you just want the pain to STOP.

Today is overcast and cold. Just like my heart. I sit and wonder if the past year has been real. I wonder if, what I’d hoped to be true love, is even real at all. I stare across the field of emptiness and almost feel comforted.

He lied to me. Over and over again. He lied to me. I don’t know what to say, feel or do. I feel so completely alone. I feel betrayed.

I left after six months with him. There was no reaction from him even though he knew we wouldn’t see one another again for several months. Still no reaction. Then he calls and takes comfort from another woman. Searches for old girlfriends. Lies to me about it. Tells the old girlfriend that I interfere and that I’m annoying.

I’m his wife. He asks me not to talk to my ex’s. I respect his wish. He promises he won’t talk to his and this is what he does.

I feel as though my world has been ripped apart. As though my love meant nothing to him. As though talking to them was more important than what he and I had built.

I’m scared. Scared that I’m going to lose him. Not because of what he did but because of this huge void that he’s managed to place in my chest. The gapping whole. I’m filled with doubts, distrust and fear. I see no end to it.

I love him so. Gave up so much so that we could be together, only to find out about this. He’s always said that he has nothing to hide. That is untrue. He said that I was the only one, that was untrue. I feel so used and abused.

I trusted him with my broken heart. He said that he’d always protect it and cherish it. So I let him mend it. Now he throws it back in my face as if it’s worth nothing.

I mourn the loss of the feelings that I had. Stability, trust, love, honesty. I miss those feelings. They’ve been replaced by more haunting feelings that I can hardly explain. All for another woman, he does this.

How do I move on from here? How, or will things get back to normal. Can I forgive him for betraying me. For lying. For seeking comfort elsewhere? I don’t know.

I feel so empty.

My pride is hurt. My fears of never making him happy are shining through so brightly. I feel hopeless and at my whits end. I don’t know what to do. To love him, hate him or just move around in an unemotional void. Lack of feelings and emotions has done me so well thus far. A protective shield around you makes a wonderful warm numb blanket. One that no one can penetrate. No hurt, no fear, no pain, just warmth… numbness. Letting someone past that bubble, or shield, opens you up to vulnerability.

I need him like the sun needs the sky, like the flowers need rain, yet I find myself in a position of needing to let him go. I can not be what he imagines I am. I can not be the person he wants. I can not live my life worrying if I am good enough or if I can make him happy.

There have been times where I’ve felt like giving up on the whole idea of someone loving me for who I am. He has told me that he does love me the way I am, for who I am. In all honesty though, he really has no idea. He will not know until he is here. Why waste all of that time and effort to come to me and be disappointed? I don’t know. It’s very selfish of me to ask him to do that.

I want to be selfish though. To see him, touch him, smell him. Oh my god I want all of that so badly. If even for a moment. The smallest increment in time to spend with the man I am in love with. Then I worry… worry that he will leave and I will be devastated, crushed, broken.

I am torn. I don’t know what to do. Take the chance that what he says is true, that he accepts me for what and who I am, or make him stay away. Let him find that perfect person he is hoping I am.

Women, especially mother’s, are very protective of the ones they love. If we feel that something we know is going to hurt someone close to us then we tend not to tell the person it may hurt. Then we have to deal with the “keeping secrets” accusations that are flung at us. If you think about it, don’t we all have secrets that we don’t want told?

I am really bad about not wanting to voice certain things. If I find something to be unimportant then I usually don’t want to share it. But there are days where I should probably say what’s going on because it’s something that could affect other people around me. Because of my fears of hurting people that I love I will not say anything and that causes more stress. The person I don’t want to tell starts getting mad. That, in turn, causes arguments.

Honesty is always good. Honesty is something that should be in every relationship. There are times though, when things shouldn’t be spoken. Bending the truth just a bit to save an argument or protect your relationship. Everyone does it yet those who are caught at it are ridiculed and called liars. I, personally, am not going to put myself in a position to harm the ones I love in any way. I am not going to tell my significant other who I was talking to or what I was doing, if there really is no need to. As long as I wasn’t doing something like cheating why should it matter?

Current lovers and ex’s do not mix. You can’t tell your current lover that you were with your ex for lunch or that you were talking to him. That starts an argument that can’t be won. You should keep certain aspects of your life to yourself. There are even times when (if you have a guy friend) you can’t share the conversation you’re having (with the guy friend) with your current lover because the current lover wouldn’t understand. Friends are friends. Lovers are lovers. It’s really hard to mix the two. I can be friends with my lover but not lovers with my friend. Haha, how weird is that?

So, in closing, if you find out that your lover was keeping something from you, don’t automatically assume it’s out of guilt. Ask questions to see if maybe it was her trying to protect you. Even if it was something that WOULDN’T have hurt you, maybe she felt like it would.

There are times in everyone’s life where they feel like they are in love.

What exactly defines love for people? To me it’s a feeling. The feeling of needing that person so much that it hurts when you’re apart. The feeling that when you can’t speak to him all of the time or you’re separated by distance, is intolerable. The emptiness felt when an argument between the two of you causes a lack of contact, emotionally or physically.

So, how can you fall in love with someone that you’ve never seen or touched? How you can need to talk to this person daily. Need to hear him, message him, what ever small thing it takes to keep him there with you. How do you fall in love with something that is only real by mere voice alone?

I’ve managed to do that, not one, but three times. The first one ended up in a marriage. The second a disaster and the third is very complicated. Because the second relationship ended so badly it has left me scarred emotionally. I protect myself from things that I think may hurt me. I worry constantly if this next relationship will end so badly. My own fears seem to destroy it. His fears as well put a strain on things.

The second relationship I had was so intense. So intoxicating for me. He left me feeling wanted and beautiful. Then, all of a sudden, it all crashed down on me. I was left feeling empty and void of any emotion whatsoever. It scares me to think that I could put myself in the same situation again.

Because of this new relationship, I’ve started feeling those old things again. The need and want to be with him all of the time. There is a fear of losing what we DO have. Even though we can’t be together physically, the emotional attraction is very strong. He says he’s coming to get me.. But who’s to say that is going to really happen? No one. We have so many HUGE obstacles in the way just on a regular basis. And then things are even more complicated by the fact that I still care for my ex.

My ex has no feelings for me other than a strong sense of hatred. I can’t change what happened between he and I, and to be honest, I don’t want to now. All I want is Mig. But the fears that he has are so strong. They interfere quite a bit. His worry that I want the other guy still. I do admit to him constantly that I still care for Tony. Why should I lie about that? Mig has known from the start, before he wanted a relationship with me, that I was still sort of hung up on Tony. He was fine with it and said that he’d give me all of the time I need.

When Mig drinks his true feelings about things come out. He tells me that he’s jealous and that he wants all of my attention. I try my best to give him what he needs. But my best isn’t good enough.

If anyone has any suggestions as to what I should do, please fill me in.

A few months ago I was in a dangerous relationship. One where the man was more important than the children that I gave birth to. The man that I wanted to be with was younger than me. He was so very important that I saw nothing but him. I’d stopped caring about everything else. I only cared about his happiness.

I know now that it was a mistake. I’ve lost so much over the course of the past few months. My children are no longer with me. My home belongs to someone else. I don’t have him anymore. I’ve lost so much. I gave up so much. Sacrificed my children’s happiness for my own. At the time I didn’t think that it was wrong. All I saw was him. Everything that I wanted was in him.

In the past few months I’ve managed to estrange my family because they disagreed with my decisions. When I lost him I couldn’t function. I was hopeless. I didn’t know what to do so I chose to leave my children behind to make things right. To get myself together. All I’ve managed to do is make things worse.

Because the children are from two different marriages, I had to seperated them. The girls live with their father and the boy with his. So now they are growing apart. Instead of Mom being there to make things right all she’s done is cause all of their problems. I wish I knew how to make things better but I’m not in a position financially or emotionally to be able to give them the care that they need and deserve. So, what can I possibly do to change the way things are? I am working toward making them better but it’s a slow progression and it’s just making other people more angry.

I thought that getting myself straight so that I can make my children happy again was what was best but apparently I’m supposed to keep them with me and make them even more miserable. I’m really a bad mother it seems. I’ve done so many things wrong…